Goodbye

Matthew Jewkes 

February 20, 1969 ~  November 5, 2010

I have worked in government for 25 years and and a little over 80% of that time has been in law enforcement.  During my time as a state employee I have met and worked with hundreds of people.  Few leave a lasting impression and even fewer get into my heart.  Today I learned that my friend Matt Jewkes died on Nov. 5th.  He was one of those who made it into my heart.

I met Matt in 1998 when I was assigned to the Salt Lake Area Gang Project as a Metro Gang Detective.  Matt was one of those guys who was easy to get to know.  He had an affinity for talking your ear off but was such a genuine and caring person you would look forward to it.  We would rotate partners in the gang unit and I personally loved riding with Matt.  We got into a few situations together but for the most part our duty was an exercise in surviving the tedium of a 10 shift especially when the weather was cold and it was 2:00 am.

This is what I learned about Matt.  He had been married twice to the same woman.  The first time he married her in the LDS temple.  They divorced and remarried a little while later.  Matt declined to remarry in the temple because for some reason the whole religion thing was not for him.  Yet he believed there was something out there.

A couple of years before Matt went to the gang unit he responded to a Taco Bell robbery.  He confronted the bad guy as he came out and during a scuffle the bad guy took Matt's gun.  Matt was knocked to the ground and the bad guy pointed the gun and pulled the trigger.  For some reason it failed to fire and Matt believed there was some kind of guardian angel or divine intervention that kept him from dying.  He did not know what form it took or if any religion had it right but he thought is was unexplainable and worthy of pondering.

Matt loved his son Mason with every inch of his being.  When he divorced his wife the second time because she had become addicted to pain killers and had resorted to stealing them and forging prescriptions he took custody of Mason and was very concerned that Mason grow up in healthy environment and really looked to his parents as examples.

Based upon some of our conversations the divorce and the Taco Bell incident changed Matt considerably.  He realized how mortal he was and how tentative his happiness was.  Matt had always wanted to be a police officer and he found that he knew nothing else but it seemed to be eating him from the inside out.  He had a big heart and always seemed to have plenty to share with others but he also had a way of feeling the pain other's felt and would frequently tell me ".... I don't know Kevman." , as he tried to make sense of it.  I watched Matt as we would wade through the dark culture of gangs and crime desperately try to make it make sense.  He was troubled by the human casualties we dealt with on a daily basis.  Those casualties included teens who seemed to be throwing their lives away, kids who lived in filth and young men with potential who didn't know what to do with.  Matt would respond to all of this outwardly like many cops do but not very convincingly.

Matt loved the rock Group Kiss especially but also the entire heavy metal genre.  He burned several disks for me.  Some of which I threw out a couple of weeks ago because it was not my kind of music and I hadn't listened to them in 10 years.

Matt was afraid of dogs.  I really could appreciate this because I had a certain fear of them as well.  That's what made his application to and acceptance in the K-9 unit brow raising.  He applied himself to that assignment and worked hard.  He eventually overcame his fear of dogs.  My kids loved when he brought his K-9 Tyger over.

Matt dated several women and married one and divorced her soon after.  He seemed to always weigh those relationships based upon his need provided a positive environment for Mason and whether they met his mother's approval.  He did not settle on one long term but he remained friends with most after they stopped dating.

Matt admitted to me that he had been struggling with depression and things did not seem to be getting better.  He had sought a counselor and started medication.  The law enforcement community is fairly close but on a special unit like the gang unit you are a bunch of 5th grade school buddies who get in to mischief together and tease each other.  There was a stigma and still is to some degree about admitting a flaw like suffering from depression and taking medication to control it.  Matt was sensitive to that.

We both left the gang unit in 2001 right after 9-11.  Matt and I kept in touch for the first couple of years after leaving but as people often do we drifted apart.  A little while ago his first wife Mindy died and it was believed it was the result of her drug addiction.  I found the obituary in the paper.  I called Matt and he apologized, "I guess I should have called ya Kevman."  He was struggling to make sense of it all.  He was very concerned about how Mason would adapt.  I spoke to Matt one other time after that.  He was in a conflict with the school district over a recent incident with Mason in school.

Kiss was here in concert this last summer.  I thought I should call Matt then and see if he was going and more importantly to have him over for dinner.  I got busy and as it often happens I didn't make the call.  I have thought of Matt a couple of other times and as recently as of a couple of weeks ago I thought about inviting him over for dinner... but alas I didn't.

I didn't realize things had gotten that bad for him.  I will really miss Matt.  I loved him like a brother and he was one of my favorite people.  He will be missed.