I am going to broach a sensitive topic here.
I read a thread on LDS.net that has really troubled me. I am going to paste the young woman's original post here. This young lady's plea breaks my heart. Her suffering is obvious and needless. I am so disturbed by this girl suffering it has me on the edge of tears. The tragedy here is her religion will likely destroy her when in reality she has done nothing that is abnormal and to call it sinful shows the depraved nature of piety.
I have a rather sensitive topic that I would like advice on. I have been looking on this site, and other people have posted similar topics. If this is not appropriate then I will remove.
I am a girl, and I have a problem with Masturbation. I have been working with my Bishop, for almost 7 months and have not made a lot of progress. He is starting to get frustrated with me.
I've had an issue for around 4 years. I have read a lot of materials that are pornographic in nature(have not looked at visual much) and that is the reason, as well as a coping method.
This is the only sin in this manner that I have committed, I have not done anything with anyone. I am not very good at self-control and that is part of it as well.
I'm home schooled and do not have siblings living at home. I live in a fairly isolated area, and besides Seminary, I don't really have a lot of interaction with people besides my parents.
My parents have major issues in their marriage, there is not a lot of respect on either party's part, and they fight a lot of the time, really ripping into each other. It's not a very healthy environment for me and I get pushed and need to escape.
My bishop is fairly new, only being in the office for 9 months or so. He is also my families home teacher. I reported to him on a daily basis for 5 months, and have now gone to a weekly basis, with an extra report if I mess up. I meet with him around every 2-3 weeks for 15 minutes generally.
Before I started working with him, I had a problem about every day, every other day. The longest I went in the 3 1/2 years was a week without doing it. I read a lot of bad books during that time period.
Now, I can go 1-3 weeks. The longest I was able to go was 4 1/2 weeks, at which point I had an issue. I was making some progress until about the end of August, and then I started messing up more, but not back to where I was. I started listening to music that was a bit suggestive as well as reading things that were as well. I started backsliding big time.
I've now cut out the suggestive material 99%. I've been pretty clean on it for 2 weeks, but there were issues during that time anyway. When I am sick, or having my period, I would use this to distract, or in the case of cramps, it did actually help. I have times of the month when I'm a lot more likely to do it, so it depends.
When I started working with him, I made a lot more of an effort and then, well, I'm not. I'm not sure quite how to get back to the point of actually wanting to stop. My problem is that I also need some other type of outlet I can do to distract myself as a replacement.
I suffer from depression, worse some times and not quite as bad others. I've been suicidal and I still consider it sometimes.
At this point I am not taking the sacrament. My dad is like "Ok, it's time, you need to be done" but what I don't think he realizes is that for me it is an addiction and it's very hard to stop or want to stop. My goal is to go to college next year, so I am limited time wise.
With my bishop as far as he is concerned. He is a really decent man, and I have a lot of respect for him. Overall he has been very patient and understanding but it's been 7 months and no difference, or not much. He wants me to see a counselor and has brought it up in email 4 times as well as 1 time in a meeting.
I've told him no and he finally stopped talking about it after I asked him to. Is it needed for me to meet with him more often? This sunday will be the 3rd week and as far as I know I'm not meeting with him. He was out of town, so that's part of it.
How much should I expect from him, and what can I do so I can make progress? I have been reading a lot of church books, fasting once a week, and also sitting in the Temple Foyer for several hours while my Dad does work. I am making an effort but it's just not good enough it seems.
The problem here is she needs professional help. She needs it from an unbiased counselor who will treat her as an individual not a member of the faith. To be fair help has been suggested by her bishop; but, she needs counseling for depression not masturbation. The girl is in an impossible situation. She has no voice of reason in her circle of influence. Her parents' marriage is not healthy. The child his home schooled and segregated from her peers. She is caught in vicious and needless cycle guilt, repentance, denial and self loathing. This cycle could be broken by on adult in her sphere telling her, 'What you are doing is normal and is nobody's business but yours.'
I know your faith is important to you; but, there is a problem when the faith is deemed more important than the child. My plea is: if you are doing this to your child... please stop. There is plenty of evidence indicating masturbation is a normal part of development. It is healthy and serves a purpose. This uninspired policy stance will destroy this young lady. It has already destroyed many children before her. To ask children to deny their humanity in this manner is equal to making using the toilet a sin. It is a normal body function that hurts no one
In this case religious leaders who interject them selves into the personal intimate lives of the youth are wrong. There are countless examples of the leaders of faith being wrong. Change in your church comes from you. That is why the LDS Church changed the policy on blacks holding the priesthood. It was politically motivated and was causing a rift in the membership. Demand they revise their stance on this matter. Demand they stay our of the sexual development of your children. Ignore advice that comes from leaders who have a degree in law or business and not child development. Most importantly let your children know that you love them and there is nothing wrong with developing normal sexual awareness. Nurture your child not the misguided policies on sexuality. Put your child before your faith.
That poor girl. If she doesn't get healthy, supportive input from reasonable people, I see her depression and guilt getting worse. No child should be put in such a situation.
ReplyDeleteAhab, I agree. It is this very thing that makes Mormonism seem cultish.
ReplyDeleteThis breaks my heart, as well. I hope she will somehow make contact with adults who will tell her that masturbation is perfectly healthy and normal. If she had been taught that her sexuality is a natural part of her life that is good and makes her whole, I don't think her depression would be as bad as it is. Having her meet with an adult male religious figure on a frequent basis about this is maniacal.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't agree more!
ReplyDeleteSome inexperienced, untrained well-meaning adult male neighbor is sitting in private talking about this teen girl masturbating? THAT is the horrific part of this post. He and the church he is working for need help learning about boundaries and natural human behavior. What is going on sounds abusive to me.
And what is going on won't work... it just won't. She says, "I have been reading a lot of church books, fasting once a week, and also sitting in the Temple Foyer for several hours while my Dad does work. I am making an effort but it's just not good enough it seems."
None of that will have any impact on her masturbating... and she can go weeks without it. It doesn't even sound like an addiction. Your suggestion is spot on. Get her professional counseling for the depression. That's it.
Michelle, her depression is supported by a three legged stool. Remove the guilt or self loathing and she would likely topple the issue with depression.
ReplyDeleteDad, she is trapped and is confessing to a potential wolf. This plays like a perverse horror movie in my head. The dynamic here is equal to the abuses that occur in the FLDS group. This girl has nowhere to turn.
@Curmudgeon
ReplyDeleteThat's exactly what I thought as well. I don't think she has depresseion, I think having everything she does making her a bad person is just weighing down on her. It doesn't seem unreasonable. This girl needs to GTFO of that situation. I suffered from a similar situation when I was a Mormon kid. 18 years old, I moved out, and I haven't looked back since.
Beyond horrible. As an ex-evangelical, I can say that the teachings there on masturbation are similar. Tons of evangelical teens are filled with self-loathing because they cannot "overcome" this.
ReplyDeleteIs there anyway to tell this girl she is okay and there is nothing wrong with her? My heart just aches.
ReplyDeleteAndrew, My heart can't help but ache for this girl.
ReplyDeleteBecky, Unfortunately the thread was closed by the moderator. Primarily because the post-mo's jumped in and told her it was nobody's business and she was normal.
I this is why I keep the conversation going and drum on about religion in general and mormonism in particular. This is incredibly harmful and its being perpetrated by her family and leaders.
The constant mindfuck, the neverending shame spiral of organized religion and its denial that humans are sexual beings. And. . . all that "reporting" to the bishop? The guy's getting his jollies. I am grateful to the post-mormons who jumped onto the thread and tried to reassure her. I hope she finds some help from a therapist outside the church. But I doubt she will; from what I gather, she's rather compliant and her parents and bishop are very controlling. Not a good situation.
ReplyDeleteMost parents will put the church first. It's why so many homeless teens in Utah are gay kids whom TR-holding parents kicked to the curb. I don't have much hope that this girl's parents will be any different.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteLynne, I am afraid you are correct.
ReplyDeleteRaskills, I am sorry you removed your comment it was really good.
That is just horrible!!! You know, I remember baby-sitting and seeing little kids masturbating. I mean little kids--4, 5 years old--and they're not capable of sin according to the Morg. There's nothing wrong with masturbation. I hope the girl who posted the original post is able to get some real help before she tears herself apart over something as normal and healthy as masturbating.
ReplyDeleteBut for the fact that she is female and some other minor differences, her story is my own.
ReplyDeletehttp://wanderingwag.blogspot.com/2004/10/masturbation-mormonism-guilt-suicide.html
I started masturbating at 5... I was sexually abused, and I can't say it was because I liked the feeling... Just HAD to do it.
ReplyDeleteSomewhere, sometime, I learned it was bad. I turned to self-harm (cutting, bruising, and eventually starving myself) to keep myself from doing the "bad" thing.
I was thirty when I finally made the connection. I have felt depressed, guilty, shameful, and "bad" for all these years... I was unable to stop punishing myself for all this time because I thought I was bad.
In my case, it was sexual abuse that first made me believe I was bad, but pile all of the unnecessary teachings about sex, masturbation, "modesty", and I was screwed.
I'm grateful for good therapists and good friends who helped me figure it out. Eventually.