My First Father's Day as an Orphan

Parley E. Dudley
2/5/1942-4/16/2012

It's Father's Day here in the US.  I usually avoid writing obligatory "Mom,  I  Love You" or "Dad, I Love You" posts on holidays such as this.  This holiday is a little different.  I am acknowledging Father's Day on my blog not because I feel obligated to let my Dad know that I love him; but because I can't.  You see he died two months ago.  Unlike my mother's death, his was unexpected and I have not really been able to process it cognitively.

This is an event that I would have announced on my blog but I didn't know how to couch the conversation.  My father and I did not see eye to eye about politics and to some degree about religion.  He was a by your bootstraps libertarian minded republican and I am obviously a liberal socialist leaning democrat.  The result had been heated exchanges over the last 5 years.  It was only in the last couple of months that we were able to define boundaries that would allow us to converse about the things in life that mattered outside of politics and religion.  He was showing new interest in my children and acknowledging that he had been aloof and really knew little about them.  It was a small crack in the door but one I was eager to exploit.  I knew after my mother's death, that even with some warning, you are never ready for death.  There was so much left to say and so many other ways to serve that you will never another get a chance to offer.

My dad had back surgery in March, against the advice of his cardiologist and despite our pleadings.  The surgery didn't take and had to be redone.  He went back into the hospital for round two on April 12th.  The surgeon found that he had spongy bones and the surgery took longer than it normally would have.  He came through the surgery and it looked like he was going to be fine once he recovered.  Plans were made for a short stay in a rehab center.  I took the opportunity to see him once or twice a day at the hospital.  I was in the middle of opening a show at the U of U and so I would arrive before I went to school and then stop in again on my way home.  I would just sit there while he slept.  He knew I was busy and tired and he would tell me.  "You don't have to stay, I'll be alright."

On Monday morning, April 16th, after returning to his room from physical therapy, he had a heart attack and he died later that afternoon.  As the oldest son, who lives the closest, and at the request of my siblings, I immediately went to the business of managing his affairs.  He left nothing in place and so it has been a challenge.

For me this has all been surreal.  I miss him as much as I miss my mother but have not hardly cried at all over his demise.  There are many things that I am now that are a result of the man he was.  He was inventive and could solve any mechanical problem.  I use similar skills when I design and build theatrical sets.  Even though our ideology was opposite our conviction to what we believe to be true was equally passionate.  My dad was willing to fight when he thought the world was unjust and he was on the short end of the stick.  As estranged as our relationship was, I knew he loved me and was proud of the success I found.  There were many things I look up to him for but I enjoyed him more when I recognized him as my equal.  There is a leveling when you are responsible for your own success and you can no longer blame you failures on your parents.  That is the corner I believed we were turning, and in its usual fashion, life cut the journey short.  I do wish we could go back and say the things I now wish we had. At the end of the day, it is people that matter.  In our pursuit of success and ideology we sometimes forget that.  I know I did and I regret it.

Belief in God Renders you Deaf.... and Kills your compassion!

Is this photo dangerous? Is it obscene?

It is if you are a member of the religious right.  It is if you subscribe to the American Family Association's One Million Moms.  I entered into a protracted Facebook debate because the One Million Moms group decided to target Jc Penney for showing loving a loving lesbian couple and their family in an ad campaign.  Sadly, the sword was taken up by a bunch of Mormon moms in my area and spread to Facebook.  What I found quickly in the debate on Facebook was that those moms were completely without compassion.  They could not see that this campaign is hurtful to people.  You know people, with skin, hair, eyes, and feelings.  They could not see the parallels to the way the blacks were treated in their own church, during the civil rights movement and throughout our not to distant past in the his country.  Hell, they cannot even see the parallels to their own purported persecution in the mid 19th century.  Instead we see nuggets like this being repeated:

I don't hate anyone who is gay or lesbian. Marriage was ordained by God to be between a man and a woman. Period. It's kind of ironic that people for years did not feel the need to get married because it was just a piece of paper. As soon as the gay and lesbian community realized it was something they could not choose, it became something they wanted. Marriage is designed by God to create children. Lets make laws to have benefits for partners, but stop trying to destroy marriage. That is a hate agenda in my book. ....  Thanks for posting this. I will never shop at JC Penney again.

So she does not hate gay and lesbian folks but the push for marriage equality is hate.  She also repeats the talking points of the right that have been show to be full of fallacious arguments.

I've recently unfriended a bunch of people on my facebook page for their constant posting of hateful anti right rantings. I didn't call them and get mad at them, I just removed them so I don't have to be insulted everyday. I'm just tired of the other side (a minorityin this society by the way) dictating what I have to believe all the time.

Yet he is willing to dictate what the left does...hypocrisy here?

I have several relatives that have chosen a homosexual lifestyle. I love them very deeply and am grateful they are a part of my family. And I believe in God's plan--that families can be together forever, when sealed by the holy spirit of promise. Heavenly Father requires us to live His law if we desire to return to Him and be together as eternal families.

And how does the accepting attitude of Jc Penney threaten her beliefs?  It doesn't!

The next two are the problem and lead to my point:

Sorry Kevin, but you are wrong. It is most definitely NOT something you are born with, nor is God's law an "arbitrary moral construct that has its basis in the Old Testament." It is a law that transends time and space, an eternal truth that one day ALL will know and have to answer for; and yes, we can KNOW that our religious views are correct and that they will serve us quite well in the next life. God's laws are eternal, they have always been there and they will always be there.        is right to oppose this ad. I feel sorry for the little girl and the other girl not shown in the picture. They will grow up being taught something that isn't true.

As if the claims of Mormonism have any evidence of being true?

There is no "oppression" in stating a fact! Men and women create children together in the beautiful bonds of marriage because God created us and gave us a sacred power to create life. There is nothing wrong, mean, or hateful about stating the obvious that so many people are trying to ignore and normalize. Homosexuality is not the way God intended us to live, it doesn't make sense and will not make us happy eternally, which is His plan. Men are that they might have joy. Marriage between a man and woman is so central to Gods plan and very sacred to me. So I will support Michelle and Sara in never shopping at JC Penney again. So sad they choose to lower standards to make people think this is alright.

I had a person contact me during the debate and thank me for my persistence in making the point that bigotry is bigotry whether you are religious or not and this issue is about compassion.  This person said, however, that once they play the god card they stop listening to reason.  He is right.



 The problem with this type of bigotry is that is gets passed on to the young.  This high schooler repeats the party line without stopping to analyze how foolish the statements are. The idea that god makes you gay to test you is not only absurd but it removes compassion from the believer.

         is right, It was ordained by God, marriage is only to be between a man and woman, it doesnt matter what society thinks about it if its true. Im not about to believe in it just to go with the flow. I know its wrong, and yes i know you are born with it, but you are born with it because Our Heavenly Father knows you're strong. Its just like any other thing everyone else has to overcome, just like being addicted to chocolate! Just a bit harder to live with. You're not going to hell because your gay, and its not against the rules to be attracted to the same sex, but you are not to act on it. Just something you have to overcome and be strong with. So quit giving       a hard time about it, she is right, get used to it (Kevin).I have nothing wrong with homosexuality but when they start ads about it. it certainly does bother me. PS dont attack the church if you have not read the scriptures and UNDERSTAND them, it just makes you sound like a fool. PSS sorry if i hurt anyones feelings but some comments got me fired up.

I pointed out, during the debate, the LDS church has been on the wrong side of history on many issues, the blacks (inter-racial marriage and the priesthood), polygamy, and they would be found to be on the wrong side of history on homosexuality.  However, my comments were of no consequence.  I was outed by one clever Facebooker who looked up my profile:

There is not going to be any common ground found with Kevin Dudley. Just checked out his profile, and he is extremely anti Mormon. Homosexuality is clearly one of MANY issues he has with the LDS church. Mormons will lose every time with people like Kevin. Just my two cents, for what it's worth.

My calls for compassion were completely ignored.  It is easier to see homosexuals as sinners who have been lead away by Satan or as sinners who failed to pass the test that god gave them.  What is clear is they are not to have an equal standing in gods society.  I enjoyed this post and photo my friend Andrew Hackman put up after the North Carolina vote to ban gay marriage:

Do you think any of these scowling, angry women thought of themselves as bigots? I would guess not. They probably thought of themselves as moral, upstanding, God-loving folk; who were only looking to protect their children and their families. However, history rightly remembers them as bigots. 

In the same way, I am sure the folks who voted for Amendment One in North Carolina would never self-identify as bigots. They probably think of themselves as moral, upstanding, God-loving folk; who are only looking to protect their children and their families.

But history will also, rightly, remember them as bigots.

 These are powerful words and words I agree with completely.  To all of you who have tried to marginalize homosexuals and to keep them in the closet and out of the the public eye; To those of you who use your piety to your god to temper your compassion; to those of you who think your eternal salvation rests on controlling others... you are bigots and I am ashamed to admit this is still a problem in 2012.  Please support me in letting JC Penney know you find the ad campaign progressive and appropriate by signing Change. org's petition.

It's my 100th post and it's about Sex!

.... No this is not a Penthouse Forum post.  Your not going to find out anything about my secret sexual desires or what I like to do in the privacy of my own room.  It is about my disgust with the current attacks on the availability of healthy sexual information to our children.  The Utah Legislature is in session.  45 days of the year the Utah Legislature does everything they can to act in their own interest and against the interest of the Utah population.

Gayle Ruzicka - The very face of Evil

Representative Bill Wright (R) introduced HB 363 on the docket with the intent of banning all discussion of contraception, homosexuality and sexual practices from the public school health and sex eduction programs.  This should be seen as an assault on our children because it is exactly that!  Even the BYU Health Services Department has come out against this bill.   

Cougar Hall, assistant professor and school health adviser at Brigham Young University told the committee that Utah current law is very conservative. He said he supports abstinence education 100 percent, but there needs to be some information out there for students at risk.

"It is immoral to withhold life-saving information from segments of our population because it doesn't fit our value system," Hall said.~ Deseret News

Bill Wright used his granddaughter as a prop to defend his bill saying:

"She represents the innocence of those we are really talking about," Wright said. "This is not an important part of our curriculum. … It is just basically something out there that takes away from the character in our schools and takes away from the character of our students."

....

"I think we are intellectually dishonest when we teach pregnancy prevention in our classes and do not teach the only sure pregnancy prevention," Wright said.

My daughter Jessica (Liberal Blogger Kate) pointed out the misogyny in this tactic saying that only a girl could represent the innocence lost by sex.  He did not bring in a grandson because using a young boy as a prop would not have the same effect.

Mr. Wright is a Dairy Farmer by trade.  I don't say this to mock is chosen profession but to mock his credentials as a health educator or someone who would set health education policy.  To this end, Mr. Wright is  advocating withholding information from children and to rely on the failures of the past.  Parents do not really educate their children about sex.  Most of them are as qualified as Mr. Wright, or the woman with her hand up his back, Gayle Ruzicka; to provide real world sexual information to children.  Just because you have had sex, does not make you an expert.  Our children should be educated about their bodies and how they function mechanically and psychologically.  Our goal for our children should be not just having safer sex but developing a healthy attitude toward sex.  They will eventually have sex and we need to raise them in an environment where they can have good sex.

If you take Mr. Wright's comments and view them in the daylight your will realize how absurd they are.  We teach math in progressive steps.  Counting, Basic Addition, Subtraction and so on.  We do not expect them to open up a Trigonometry book and start solving the problems.  The same goes for their bodies.  Bad sexual information leads to bad decisions and bad sex.  I wish I had the information I know now when I was a teen and even in my 20's.  I feel like I was robbed to some degree of many additional years of good sex.  As much as I now know, I still find that I have some general misconceptions about sex.  If I am left to educate my children on my own those misconceptions could be passed on as bad information.

We have progressed, as humans, beyond the bronze age but for some reason we continue to cling to attitudes and practices from that era.  I don't know what Mr. Wright and the Puppet Master Ruzicka have to gain by denying quality information to children.  Why is denying the truth a virtue?  In response, I am linking two websites that are a great jumping off point for sexual information.  The first is Go Ask Alice from Columbia University and the second is Kinsey Confidential from Indiana University.  I think it is time somebody tells Gayle Ruzicka to shut up and sit down.  Let's provide our children with good information with an acknowledgement that the older they get the less they need us and the more independent their decisions become.

Update

I have been away for awhile.  My friend Jeff pointed out that I have not posted since early November.  My brother Shaun told me he is waiting for my next post.  Well, I finished working on Pioneer Theatre's the Tempest; caught my homework up; worked Pioneer Theatre's Annie; finished two monster projects; got through finals week; and started designs for Le Belles-Soeurs.  I finished a 17 hour semester with a 3.94.

I am working on a post that discusses religion and how it is detrimental to education.  I have some nuggets from the LDS General Authorities about how public education is dangerous to belief.  I have not completely realized the concept in my head and so it will be a day or so before I post.  If you have any quotes, from any religious source, that disparage secular education feel free to point me in that direction.

In have been active on Facebook however.  I engaged in debates as to the origin of masturbatory prohibitions in LDS Doctrine (there aren't any). I debated whether the LDS instruction manual discourages vasectomy or does it really prohibit it?  More important does put the weight of the decision on untrained clergy[(Bishops) it does].  I was defended for calling a woman out on the war on Christmas crap that comes from Fox News.  I added 7 Facebook Friends and lost 5... so I am up 2.  I guess you can find the drama I engaged in on my Facebook page.

A Plea to My LDS and Religious Friends... Put Your Children Before Your Faith!

I am going to broach a sensitive topic here.

I read a thread on LDS.net that has really troubled me.  I am going to paste the young woman's original post here.  This young lady's plea breaks my heart. Her suffering is obvious and needless. I am so disturbed by this girl suffering it has me on the edge of tears. The tragedy here is her religion will likely destroy her when in reality she has done nothing that is abnormal and to call it sinful shows the depraved nature of piety.

I have a rather sensitive topic that I would like advice on. I have been looking on this site, and other people have posted similar topics. If this is not appropriate then I will remove.

I am a girl, and I have a problem with Masturbation. I have been working with my Bishop, for almost 7 months and have not made a lot of progress. He is starting to get frustrated with me.

I've had an issue for around 4 years. I have read a lot of materials that are pornographic in nature(have not looked at visual much) and that is the reason, as well as a coping method.

This is the only sin in this manner that I have committed, I have not done anything with anyone. I am not very good at self-control and that is part of it as well.

I'm home schooled and do not have siblings living at home. I live in a fairly isolated area, and besides Seminary, I don't really have a lot of interaction with people besides my parents.

My parents have major issues in their marriage, there is not a lot of respect on either party's part, and they fight a lot of the time, really ripping into each other. It's not a very healthy environment for me and I get pushed and need to escape.

My bishop is fairly new, only being in the office for 9 months or so. He is also my families home teacher. I reported to him on a daily basis for 5 months, and have now gone to a weekly basis, with an extra report if I mess up. I meet with him around every 2-3 weeks for 15 minutes generally.

Before I started working with him, I had a problem about every day, every other day. The longest I went in the 3 1/2 years was a week without doing it. I read a lot of bad books during that time period.

Now, I can go 1-3 weeks. The longest I was able to go was 4 1/2 weeks, at which point I had an issue. I was making some progress until about the end of August, and then I started messing up more, but not back to where I was. I started listening to music that was a bit suggestive as well as reading things that were as well. I started backsliding big time.

I've now cut out the suggestive material 99%. I've been pretty clean on it for 2 weeks, but there were issues during that time anyway. When I am sick, or having my period, I would use this to distract, or in the case of cramps, it did actually help. I have times of the month when I'm a lot more likely to do it, so it depends.

When I started working with him, I made a lot more of an effort and then, well, I'm not. I'm not sure quite how to get back to the point of actually wanting to stop. My problem is that I also need some other type of outlet I can do to distract myself as a replacement.

I suffer from depression, worse some times and not quite as bad others. I've been suicidal and I still consider it sometimes.

At this point I am not taking the sacrament. My dad is like "Ok, it's time, you need to be done" but what I don't think he realizes is that for me it is an addiction and it's very hard to stop or want to stop. My goal is to go to college next year, so I am limited time wise.

With my bishop as far as he is concerned. He is a really decent man, and I have a lot of respect for him. Overall he has been very patient and understanding but it's been 7 months and no difference, or not much. He wants me to see a counselor and has brought it up in email 4 times as well as 1 time in a meeting.

I've told him no and he finally stopped talking about it after I asked him to. Is it needed for me to meet with him more often? This sunday will be the 3rd week and as far as I know I'm not meeting with him. He was out of town, so that's part of it.

How much should I expect from him, and what can I do so I can make progress? I have been reading a lot of church books, fasting once a week, and also sitting in the Temple Foyer for several hours while my Dad does work. I am making an effort but it's just not good enough it seems.

The problem here is she needs professional help.  She needs it from an unbiased counselor who will treat her as an individual not a member of the faith.  To be fair help has been suggested by her bishop; but, she needs counseling for depression not masturbation.  The girl is in an impossible situation.  She has no voice of reason in her circle of influence.  Her parents' marriage is not healthy.  The child his home schooled and segregated from her peers.  She is caught in vicious and needless cycle guilt, repentance, denial and self loathing.  This cycle could be broken by on adult in her sphere telling her, 'What you are doing is normal and is nobody's business but yours.'

I know your faith is important to you; but, there is a problem when the faith is deemed more important than the child.  My plea is: if you are doing this to your child... please stop.  There is plenty of evidence indicating masturbation is a normal part of development.  It is healthy and serves a purpose.  This uninspired policy stance will destroy this young lady.  It has already destroyed many children before her.  To ask children to deny their humanity in this manner is equal to making using the toilet a sin.  It is a normal body function that hurts no one

In this case religious leaders who interject them selves into the personal intimate lives of the youth are wrong.  There are countless examples of the leaders of faith being wrong.  Change in your church comes from you. That is why the LDS Church changed the policy on blacks holding the priesthood.  It was politically motivated and was causing a rift in the membership.   Demand they revise their stance on this matter.  Demand they stay our of the sexual development of your children.  Ignore advice that comes from leaders who have a degree in law or business and not child development.  Most importantly let your children know that you love them and there is nothing wrong with developing normal sexual awareness.  Nurture your child not the misguided policies on sexuality.  Put your child before your faith.

Existentialism V Infinite Gas Tank

A philosophical theory or approach that emphasizes the existence of the individual person as a free and responsible agent determining their own development through acts of the will

I just filled my tank and I am completely bothered by the anticipation my tank is about to be empty.  It doesn't matter that I just filled it.  I take no delight in knowing I can go another 300 miles instead I am haunted by the fact the tank will soon be empty again.  This obsession leads to changing the display so I don't have to watch the count down.   I do however think about what that tank of gas will do, how far it will get me, and if I drive on the freeway vs. the city streets will the tank take me further.

Metaphorically, that gas tank represents my life.  I have a limited time to experience life.  The rules I abide by are rules I have learned through experience work for me.  They are not rules that will benefit you nor will the same experiences or result in the same conclusion.  There is no universally applied law when it comes to the individual choices we make.  Sure you can drive on the freeway and get better mileage, but if the freeway feels unnerving it may not be worth the sacrifice.

The fuel was provided after the tank was created.  It did not exist in essence before there was a vessel to carry it.  The quality and length of the fuel is determined by the choices I make and when the tank is empty I stop.  While this is not a perfect metaphor I think you can get the picture.

This is why I think religion is damaging and in many cases criminal in the way it expends our energy and asks to delay life as if were were idling.  We have potential for experience and to take roads less traveled to find ourselves and to do it on our terms.  There is a richness in this discovery that will lead to a genuine knowledge of who we are.  We are being asked to delay those experiences or the deny ourselves those experiences for a journey that in all likelihood does not exist.  In fact, in most cases it is so improbable that only elaborate rationalization and delusional thinking, prescribed by religious leaders, can convince us that we should delay our own personal grown in favor of adhering to their experiences. Our reward? ... an eternal tank of gas?  Preposterous!

Media Messages, Cultural Misogyny, and the Lie of Modesty

This video was making the rounds on my Facebook page this morning.  Here is the longer version ( http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=2349117563337 ) I agree in part with the trailer's premise; I also think they are missing the mark here.  I have long said that our girls need strong role models and the writer and I agree here.  However I don't think the media is responsible for the objectification of our girls and women.  I think the media represents or reflects our societal image of the role of women but they didn't create the image.  Are they guilty of perpetuating the stereo type... sure but culturally we accept it.  


In the early 1970's the series All in the Family aired an episode which portrayed our prejudices regarding male homosexuality.  If we were to produce that same episode today it would not only be a flop but an outrage because our society has morphed.  The fact that less than 30% of high power media positions are held by women has more to do with the persistent messages we give to our daughters in our homes than what we show on TV and in magazines.  In fact I would postulate, as a whole, the objectification of women is born and nurtured in the misogyny of the conservative movement.  


There is this morsel from the 2011 LDS Church's general relief society meeting:

I know that each of us has a vital and essential role as a daughter of God. He has bestowed upon His daughters divine attributes for the purpose of forwarding His work. God has entrusted women with the sacred work of bearing and rearing children. No other work is more important. It is a holy calling. 

Our daughters have reached their potential when they have babies?  There is no a call for them to be scientists, lawyers, or even doctors.  In addition we give them more and more pressure to be modest; to cover their bodies; and to avoid being a "licked cupcake".  It is that same line of thought that denigrates the female form to an object.  We don't value the women for their potential we value them for the conditions of their bodies.  

The above image was circulating on Facebook as well.  If further illustrates the distorted view we have about what modesty and chastity means.  I fully believe they are artificial markers by which we measure American women.  

I think we need to acknowledge a couple of things.  First, humans are sexual beings. Second, we will always find a way to sexualize each other. Third, when you cover breasts, put the curves of women under  loose fitting clothing we will find a way to sexualize non sexual parts.

We will find ways to eroticize shoulders, ears, eyes, or hair length.  The strong sexual drive we have is what propagates our species.  It is natural.  

What is unnatural is to assign rigid gender roles based upon contrived religious or social dogma.  I am going to confess.... of all the women appearing in the above trailer, the one that I find most attractive is Rachael Maddow.  Not because she is super sexy, not because she is a lesbian and I think lesbian sex is hot; but, because she is smart, articulate, educated, and accomplished.  Sure, I find the images of the scantily clad women that are paraded on the trailer, out of context,  titillating.  Why would I not?  I am a sexual being.  However, I cannot say that I am attracted to any of the women.  Our contemporary culture is replete with icons like Paris Hilton and Brittany Spears who appear to be attractive until you hear them speak.  

Unfortunately, we perpetuate the myth that the media operates independent of our culture.  We assume the media tells us what is normal.  If we want to change the context in which our daughter's are developing their identities we need to do it from the very core.  Abandon the idea that their lot is to be mothers.  Motherhood is a choice; in as much, as going to medical school is.  Stop placing artificial emphasis on modesty of dress.  In cultures where women wear nothing but a loin cloth their body ceases to be an object of sexualization.  We need to form our ideas of success in accomplishment not in puritanical ideals based upon a bronze age text.  Our daughters are not the condition of their bodies but the condition of their minds.  If that is what the whole film says... I agree... if not, it is another Bowling for Columbine.