... and I Like to Jog Naked

I have struggled with how to approach this topic or if I should even discuss it.  We held my Mother's funeral on July 20th.  It was kind of non-traditional for Utah.  There was a small private viewing held for her close friends and family who could not be with her when she died.  Her children, including myself, did not attend the viewing because we said our goodbyes at her bedside as she struggled with the disease and and eventually died.  We did not need that part of closure.  We held the service at graveside.

I look at funerals somewhat differently than my religious friends and family do.  I don't believe that my loved ones are on the other side waiting for me.  There is simply no evidence this is the case.  So, the funeral is my last opportunity to publicly memorialize my loved ones memory.

My mother had 4 children.  3 are atheists.  My youngest sister is a practicing Mormon.  There had been quite a bit of discussion between my siblings and I, with my mother's input ,as to how we would proceed after her death.  Her wishes were met as were ours.  No one's voice was drowned out and the discussion was civil and all sides were represented.  The plan was: My mother would be buried in a pink dress with her mother's ring.  She made it clear she did not want to be cremated.  She did not care if the coffin was expensive.  She did not want the service in a church.  She did not believe the Mormons had the corner on god and found them to be pushy and judgmental and she did not want her children to be lectured.  If the weather was warm she wanted to service to be graveside.  If the weather was cold she wanted us to have it indoors so those who came to pay respects would not be cold.  She did not want a viewing if we did not want to hold one.  We would not pray at the graveside and there would be no official religious representation.

When we met with the funeral director we outlined what we wanted to have happen and he was extremely helpful in assisting us in meeting those requests.  His compassion and sensitivity were a noted quality and we enjoyed, as much as you can, his assistance and would recommend his company without hesitation.  During our conversations it was clear that there would not be a religious rite of any kind for this funeral.  My   mother's sister asked if they could hold a family prayer at the viewing as they closed the casket.  It was made clear that we did not have a problem with the prayer (we wouldn't be there after all) if it made them feel better but there would be none graveside.

The service was successful.  I conducted.  There was a musical number sung by my daughter Jessica and my sister-in-law Jennifer.  My Aunt Nene read a beautiful poem she wrote for my mother.  I made opening remarks followed by an open mic and concluded with closing remarks offered by me again.  I operated in the capacity that my siblings had requested and expected me to.  By all accounts, the service was beautiful simple and was exactly the type of service my mother wanted.

My Mother's Siblings and their families at her funeral 07/20/2011

So curmudgeon what is the issue?

We had three guests at our little secular funeral who found it necessary to use the open mic as an opportunity to bear their testimonies.  They could not stand the fact we were fine without the mention of the Mormon church or Jesus Christ, the plan of salvation, or even god.   Additionally, the hearse driver pulled me aside.  He told me that he had heard that there might be an anti-religion sentiment to our service.  He told me that he was happy to see that no one was forced out of their beliefs.  He thought it would have been wrong to not allow people to speak.  My mother's siblings attended the funeral in their Wrangler's.  They were dressed informally.  I was dressed in a black suit, white shirt, and red and black tie.  The hearse driver mistook me for the out voted religious minority at the service.  He made a broad assumption that I was a "member of the church" and about shit when he realized he was talking to one of the "angry militant atheists".  I was gracious and let him and the other's say their peace.  I didn't attempt to stop them.  I was non confrontational.

During this process many people have expressed their condolences and a few have had to add that they know my mother is in a better place, is watching down on me, is with her relatives, or is comforting someone else who is recently deceased.  As people would offer their religious views including the afterlife while offering their condolences I found myself turning them off or going somewhere else in my head until they were done while graciously accepting their kindness.  I don't understand why there is an imperative for them to share those things with people who do not want them.  I don't share my atheism unless it is solicited.

My point of this writing is to illustrate how unwanted religious expression is really a two way street.  Imagine, if you will, if I were attending a Mormon funeral and told the guests at the funeral that this is it.  Your loved one is going to rot in the ground and you will never seen them again.  While this is what I believe I have never shared it during a persons most painful or emotional times.  What if I made a point of telling them that they can pray their lives away but there is no one there to hear them.  Would any of those conversations give comfort to a hurting human?  No!  Neither do expressions of faith to an atheist.  My father-in-law put this in perspective to one of my wife's siblings.  He told them, 'you need to understand for Kevin this is it.  There is no more and he will never see his mother again.'  That was an appropriate acknowledgement of what I believed.  He did not offer faith promoting insights to me instead he cried with us and gave us incredible emotional support.

I have said it before, unsolicited expressions of faith are icky.  Faith, like your bedroom habits, should be shared when solicited and with like minded people.... otherwise keep them to yourself.

I think the next time someone offers an unsolicited and otherwise inappropriate expression of faith to me my response is going to be... " ...and I like to jog naked."  Well, as long as were sharing inappropriate information....

Goodbye

Matthew Jewkes 

February 20, 1969 ~  November 5, 2010

I have worked in government for 25 years and and a little over 80% of that time has been in law enforcement.  During my time as a state employee I have met and worked with hundreds of people.  Few leave a lasting impression and even fewer get into my heart.  Today I learned that my friend Matt Jewkes died on Nov. 5th.  He was one of those who made it into my heart.

I met Matt in 1998 when I was assigned to the Salt Lake Area Gang Project as a Metro Gang Detective.  Matt was one of those guys who was easy to get to know.  He had an affinity for talking your ear off but was such a genuine and caring person you would look forward to it.  We would rotate partners in the gang unit and I personally loved riding with Matt.  We got into a few situations together but for the most part our duty was an exercise in surviving the tedium of a 10 shift especially when the weather was cold and it was 2:00 am.

This is what I learned about Matt.  He had been married twice to the same woman.  The first time he married her in the LDS temple.  They divorced and remarried a little while later.  Matt declined to remarry in the temple because for some reason the whole religion thing was not for him.  Yet he believed there was something out there.

A couple of years before Matt went to the gang unit he responded to a Taco Bell robbery.  He confronted the bad guy as he came out and during a scuffle the bad guy took Matt's gun.  Matt was knocked to the ground and the bad guy pointed the gun and pulled the trigger.  For some reason it failed to fire and Matt believed there was some kind of guardian angel or divine intervention that kept him from dying.  He did not know what form it took or if any religion had it right but he thought is was unexplainable and worthy of pondering.

Matt loved his son Mason with every inch of his being.  When he divorced his wife the second time because she had become addicted to pain killers and had resorted to stealing them and forging prescriptions he took custody of Mason and was very concerned that Mason grow up in healthy environment and really looked to his parents as examples.

Based upon some of our conversations the divorce and the Taco Bell incident changed Matt considerably.  He realized how mortal he was and how tentative his happiness was.  Matt had always wanted to be a police officer and he found that he knew nothing else but it seemed to be eating him from the inside out.  He had a big heart and always seemed to have plenty to share with others but he also had a way of feeling the pain other's felt and would frequently tell me ".... I don't know Kevman." , as he tried to make sense of it.  I watched Matt as we would wade through the dark culture of gangs and crime desperately try to make it make sense.  He was troubled by the human casualties we dealt with on a daily basis.  Those casualties included teens who seemed to be throwing their lives away, kids who lived in filth and young men with potential who didn't know what to do with.  Matt would respond to all of this outwardly like many cops do but not very convincingly.

Matt loved the rock Group Kiss especially but also the entire heavy metal genre.  He burned several disks for me.  Some of which I threw out a couple of weeks ago because it was not my kind of music and I hadn't listened to them in 10 years.

Matt was afraid of dogs.  I really could appreciate this because I had a certain fear of them as well.  That's what made his application to and acceptance in the K-9 unit brow raising.  He applied himself to that assignment and worked hard.  He eventually overcame his fear of dogs.  My kids loved when he brought his K-9 Tyger over.

Matt dated several women and married one and divorced her soon after.  He seemed to always weigh those relationships based upon his need provided a positive environment for Mason and whether they met his mother's approval.  He did not settle on one long term but he remained friends with most after they stopped dating.

Matt admitted to me that he had been struggling with depression and things did not seem to be getting better.  He had sought a counselor and started medication.  The law enforcement community is fairly close but on a special unit like the gang unit you are a bunch of 5th grade school buddies who get in to mischief together and tease each other.  There was a stigma and still is to some degree about admitting a flaw like suffering from depression and taking medication to control it.  Matt was sensitive to that.

We both left the gang unit in 2001 right after 9-11.  Matt and I kept in touch for the first couple of years after leaving but as people often do we drifted apart.  A little while ago his first wife Mindy died and it was believed it was the result of her drug addiction.  I found the obituary in the paper.  I called Matt and he apologized, "I guess I should have called ya Kevman."  He was struggling to make sense of it all.  He was very concerned about how Mason would adapt.  I spoke to Matt one other time after that.  He was in a conflict with the school district over a recent incident with Mason in school.

Kiss was here in concert this last summer.  I thought I should call Matt then and see if he was going and more importantly to have him over for dinner.  I got busy and as it often happens I didn't make the call.  I have thought of Matt a couple of other times and as recently as of a couple of weeks ago I thought about inviting him over for dinner... but alas I didn't.

I didn't realize things had gotten that bad for him.  I will really miss Matt.  I loved him like a brother and he was one of my favorite people.  He will be missed.