Children are the challenge - Kiera Chapter 2

It's been six years since I last wrote about Kiera on this blog.  Two years ago we moved to Iowa.  She has developed into a fine young woman and turned a corner last year in which she decided her friends needed to reflect her own common sense.  This path was realized by open, frank, and timely conversations.  She is surrounded by high quality friends who are nicely positioning themselves to rule the world.  

I am pleased that as she has matured, she still includes her mother and I in her life and her decisions.  She feels comfortable enough with us that she doesn't need to hide who she is.  Last year, interrupting a moment of silence, she told her mother she thought she might be bi-sexual.  There was a girl in her friend group she was emotionally and physically attracted to. A couple of months later she told us she was pansexual.  She discovered this scale on the spectrum when she  joined the Colors group at school.  Colors is a group that supports LGBTQ kids and their friends.  

We didn't dismiss this revelation.  We accepted it at face value.  We also didn't share her news outside of our immediate family.  We knew she was trying to figure out what it meant.  She "dated" a couple of kids from school.  Both boys and girls.  The guidance she received from us was, "Only do what you are comfortable with." We also advised her to take things slow.  Don't rush to commitment. Don't limit yourself to dating just one person.  Some of our advice was well received and some of it has been ignored.  At the end of the day, we are observers.  Our only role is to preserve her ability to consent.  

We knew we had little to worry about from the kids she chose to "date".  We were less concerned with the fact she believed she was bi-sexual than we were about how our conservative Mormon family members would treat her.  The pernicious evil that exist in our world is not homosexual relationships. The evil exists in a self righteous belief that their brand of morality is better than ours.  It is in the harm they might inflict on our child out of ignorance and hate. 

Last week, Kiera made it public.  She is in a relationship with a girl.  Téa is a delightful young woman.  She is a senior and has been accepted to the University of Iowa. She comes bundled with a ton of energy. We asked Kiera if she realized she had outed herself when she posted the Facebook status.  She said she had nothing to hide.  We agree.  

How long will this relationship last?  We don't know.  We will be moving in a year.  It could end long before the move or it could endure in spite of the move.  What we do know is that if anyone has anything harmful or judgmental to say to our child, they will hear from us.  We would rather end a familial relationship or a friendship than to allow them to make her feel she is broken, twisted, perverted or immoral. Our child and her mental and emotional health are precious to us. What we do know is the move to Iowa allowed Kiera to discover who she is.  We cannot imagine how much more difficult it would have been to help her navigate this portion of her life if we had remained in Utah.     

Who is watching and why it matters how we talk about homosexuality

A couple of years ago I was engaged in a discussion on gay rights on Michelle Willis's board.  The subject was the Jc Penney ads featuring lesbian mothers.  It was argument I engaged in with passion.  I supported, as I have since 1984, the rights of homosexuals to live a genuine life.  I was up against the pious and self-righteous Mormons on Michelle's board.  Trite arguments were volleyed back and forth.  I knew there was no way to "win" the argument with these people but I was still up for the fight.  In the middle of the whole mess I got a private message.  It was one of Michelle's friends who had been watching the debate.  The messages was a "thank you for the support".  'I thought Michelle was my friend.  I can see that she is not.' Was the tone.  While Michelle lost a friend that day, that person knew there was an ally who was willing to stand up.

Last Friday, a federal judge struck a fatal blow to Utah's amendment 3.  The Facebook feed blew up.  I have engaged in as many conversations as I could on those feeds.  Some might even call me a troll because I engage even when I am not invited

Why?

Because people are watching that is why.  I was reminded of this when I read a friends beautiful and eloquent response to his mother who was asking if his support for gay rights would change it it were his own child.  He of course said no... and that people are watching.  People in pain who are trying to find someone to talk to.

So when you are fighting equality in your Facebook feed who are you helping?

Are you standing up for your god?

Does he really need you to stand up to him?

Are you standing up for your church?

Are you on the church's legal team?  Do they really need you.

Are you standing up for freedom and the constitution?

Are you a constitutional attorney... and don't you see the hypocrisy?

Who are you hurting?

You are likely hurting someone who isn't vocal.  Someone who is sitting in the dark crying because they feel like there is something wrong with them.  Someone who may be your child, sibling, maybe even your own parent.  What they are is a human being who needs support, love and acceptance.  They didn't ask for this and to ask them to deny who they are is harmful.  To characterize their being as a "sin", as a "choice" as a "lifestyle" or one that is "not to be acted on" inflicts an undue amount of pain.

The LGBT community inside of Mormonism has one of the highest suicide rates.  The LGBT community in the United States has a suicide rate that exceeds the national average.   It is time we stop treating them like they are throw aways.

I am a supporter of equality.  I support the choices consenting adults make out of love. I support teaching our children how to develop healthy fulfilling intimate relationships with whomever they love.  It is not about sin.  It is about humans.

Conversely, I do not support bigotry and on this blog I will identify bigots by first and last name.  The world should know who you are.  Those who are watching should know who is not safe.

Gender is Essential?

EDIT!

YouTube, allegedly, removed this video because it was reported as bullying. (Thanks TGD)

Follow this link to the LDS Church's website to view it:

Gender is Essential
The LDS Church as moved the link again
Gender is Essential is now located here!

The LDS church (The Mormons) published a new website in which it was attempting to acknowledge that homosexuality was an inborn trait.  They have noted that it is an affliction that the membership must not succumb to.  It also implores members to love those who are gay because it is not their fault.

This video produced and published after the release of the website is a kick to the preverbal nuts of a gay member.  If gender is essential then what about gender identity?  Is it not essential.  I have never chose to be straight.  It is what I am.  If your god creates people that are outside of his law.... he is a sadist.

A couple of lessons for the membership:  First, sex is what is between your legs.  It is your sex that gives your the ability to procreate.  Gender is in your head.  Gender is hardwired.  It is not a choice. It is what determines who you are attracted to.  My gender is essential to my heterosexual marriage.  Not my ability to have children.  My gender is what makes that relationship satisfying and has made it last for 26 years.  If I was attracted to men, I could still make babies with a woman but the relationship would not be permanent or satisfying.

Second, videos like this, may inform your prejudices but they do not show compassion for homosexuals.  They do little to curb the suicide rate.  In fact they are harmful.  They are harmful to the children who were exploited to act in this evil video.  They are harmful to the future of your church.  They are harmful to those who are gay, lesbian and transgendered but, too ashamed of the gender your petulant god has given them to embrace it.

This video is disgusting and manipulative.  I am amazed that anyone who claims to be a follower of Christ would offer their time and talents to this discordant message.

I guess there are no Mormons running for president.... the gloves are off.

Belief in God Renders you Deaf.... and Kills your compassion!

Is this photo dangerous? Is it obscene?

It is if you are a member of the religious right.  It is if you subscribe to the American Family Association's One Million Moms.  I entered into a protracted Facebook debate because the One Million Moms group decided to target Jc Penney for showing loving a loving lesbian couple and their family in an ad campaign.  Sadly, the sword was taken up by a bunch of Mormon moms in my area and spread to Facebook.  What I found quickly in the debate on Facebook was that those moms were completely without compassion.  They could not see that this campaign is hurtful to people.  You know people, with skin, hair, eyes, and feelings.  They could not see the parallels to the way the blacks were treated in their own church, during the civil rights movement and throughout our not to distant past in the his country.  Hell, they cannot even see the parallels to their own purported persecution in the mid 19th century.  Instead we see nuggets like this being repeated:

I don't hate anyone who is gay or lesbian. Marriage was ordained by God to be between a man and a woman. Period. It's kind of ironic that people for years did not feel the need to get married because it was just a piece of paper. As soon as the gay and lesbian community realized it was something they could not choose, it became something they wanted. Marriage is designed by God to create children. Lets make laws to have benefits for partners, but stop trying to destroy marriage. That is a hate agenda in my book. ....  Thanks for posting this. I will never shop at JC Penney again.

So she does not hate gay and lesbian folks but the push for marriage equality is hate.  She also repeats the talking points of the right that have been show to be full of fallacious arguments.

I've recently unfriended a bunch of people on my facebook page for their constant posting of hateful anti right rantings. I didn't call them and get mad at them, I just removed them so I don't have to be insulted everyday. I'm just tired of the other side (a minorityin this society by the way) dictating what I have to believe all the time.

Yet he is willing to dictate what the left does...hypocrisy here?

I have several relatives that have chosen a homosexual lifestyle. I love them very deeply and am grateful they are a part of my family. And I believe in God's plan--that families can be together forever, when sealed by the holy spirit of promise. Heavenly Father requires us to live His law if we desire to return to Him and be together as eternal families.

And how does the accepting attitude of Jc Penney threaten her beliefs?  It doesn't!

The next two are the problem and lead to my point:

Sorry Kevin, but you are wrong. It is most definitely NOT something you are born with, nor is God's law an "arbitrary moral construct that has its basis in the Old Testament." It is a law that transends time and space, an eternal truth that one day ALL will know and have to answer for; and yes, we can KNOW that our religious views are correct and that they will serve us quite well in the next life. God's laws are eternal, they have always been there and they will always be there.        is right to oppose this ad. I feel sorry for the little girl and the other girl not shown in the picture. They will grow up being taught something that isn't true.

As if the claims of Mormonism have any evidence of being true?

There is no "oppression" in stating a fact! Men and women create children together in the beautiful bonds of marriage because God created us and gave us a sacred power to create life. There is nothing wrong, mean, or hateful about stating the obvious that so many people are trying to ignore and normalize. Homosexuality is not the way God intended us to live, it doesn't make sense and will not make us happy eternally, which is His plan. Men are that they might have joy. Marriage between a man and woman is so central to Gods plan and very sacred to me. So I will support Michelle and Sara in never shopping at JC Penney again. So sad they choose to lower standards to make people think this is alright.

I had a person contact me during the debate and thank me for my persistence in making the point that bigotry is bigotry whether you are religious or not and this issue is about compassion.  This person said, however, that once they play the god card they stop listening to reason.  He is right.



 The problem with this type of bigotry is that is gets passed on to the young.  This high schooler repeats the party line without stopping to analyze how foolish the statements are. The idea that god makes you gay to test you is not only absurd but it removes compassion from the believer.

         is right, It was ordained by God, marriage is only to be between a man and woman, it doesnt matter what society thinks about it if its true. Im not about to believe in it just to go with the flow. I know its wrong, and yes i know you are born with it, but you are born with it because Our Heavenly Father knows you're strong. Its just like any other thing everyone else has to overcome, just like being addicted to chocolate! Just a bit harder to live with. You're not going to hell because your gay, and its not against the rules to be attracted to the same sex, but you are not to act on it. Just something you have to overcome and be strong with. So quit giving       a hard time about it, she is right, get used to it (Kevin).I have nothing wrong with homosexuality but when they start ads about it. it certainly does bother me. PS dont attack the church if you have not read the scriptures and UNDERSTAND them, it just makes you sound like a fool. PSS sorry if i hurt anyones feelings but some comments got me fired up.

I pointed out, during the debate, the LDS church has been on the wrong side of history on many issues, the blacks (inter-racial marriage and the priesthood), polygamy, and they would be found to be on the wrong side of history on homosexuality.  However, my comments were of no consequence.  I was outed by one clever Facebooker who looked up my profile:

There is not going to be any common ground found with Kevin Dudley. Just checked out his profile, and he is extremely anti Mormon. Homosexuality is clearly one of MANY issues he has with the LDS church. Mormons will lose every time with people like Kevin. Just my two cents, for what it's worth.

My calls for compassion were completely ignored.  It is easier to see homosexuals as sinners who have been lead away by Satan or as sinners who failed to pass the test that god gave them.  What is clear is they are not to have an equal standing in gods society.  I enjoyed this post and photo my friend Andrew Hackman put up after the North Carolina vote to ban gay marriage:

Do you think any of these scowling, angry women thought of themselves as bigots? I would guess not. They probably thought of themselves as moral, upstanding, God-loving folk; who were only looking to protect their children and their families. However, history rightly remembers them as bigots. 

In the same way, I am sure the folks who voted for Amendment One in North Carolina would never self-identify as bigots. They probably think of themselves as moral, upstanding, God-loving folk; who are only looking to protect their children and their families.

But history will also, rightly, remember them as bigots.

 These are powerful words and words I agree with completely.  To all of you who have tried to marginalize homosexuals and to keep them in the closet and out of the the public eye; To those of you who use your piety to your god to temper your compassion; to those of you who think your eternal salvation rests on controlling others... you are bigots and I am ashamed to admit this is still a problem in 2012.  Please support me in letting JC Penney know you find the ad campaign progressive and appropriate by signing Change. org's petition.