You may have been born that way... but it was your choice!

I recently posted this article on Facebook: http://www.occupydemocrats.com/a-nun-brilliantly-exposed-pro-life-hypocrites-with-this-hard-hitting-quote/> It is an article in which a nun calls out the conservatives in this country with this quote:

"I do not believe that just because you’re opposed to abortion, that that makes you pro-life. In fact, I think in many cases, your morality is deeply lacking if all you want is a child born but not a child fed, not a child educated, not a child housed. And why would I think that you don’t? Because you don’t want any tax money to go there. That’s not pro-life. That’s pro-
birth. We need a much broader conversation on what the morality of pro-life is.”

 Now the article is clearly about the way we treat children who are poor and disadvantaged once they are born. The article is not about abortion. The conservatives in my feed couldn't help but make it about that.  You can read the entire thread here:

https://www.facebook.com/kqdudley/posts/10207627350105610?comment_id=10207659129900085&notif_t=feed_comment_reply 

David, a 20 something white Mormon male who lives in Provo, UT, entered into the discussion. What caught my attention was his application of Mormon theology.  I am very familiar with his mind set here.  I had just forgotten how twisted it can be.

In regards to the moral and up righteous, I was recognizing or trying to recognize that there are people of variable moral focuses.  My point when using those words was that pretty much no matter what, if a woman who is raped and impregnated, of her own choice, decides to go through the pregnancy and raise the child, no one is going to come up to her and say "You are a terrible person, how dare you do what you just did, it was morally wrong for the following reasons:" because they would have no reasons.  If you can come up with one please, go ahead and tell me.  As for fertilization and conception, that is focused primarily in both my knowledge of biological science and religious belief.  I believe that we were all spirits before we came into this mortal life.  I believe we Volunteered to come into this mortal existence because it was only through experiencing mortality and being able to choose between right and wrong that we would be able to become more like our Heavenly Father, the father of our spirits.  I believe that when conception occurs, when the ova and sperm cell combine, that that new cell which is now as capable of becoming an adult human being as a baby outside of the womb, is given to one of my spirit brothers and sisters who still lies beyond the veil.  That body, though it be a single cell, is theirs, and just for us the moment it dies there goes all future chances for mortal experience in this life for them, they don't get another body.  This is why the "It would be better if they don't get born in a terrible situation" argument doesn't work with me.  I believe the(y) Volunteered, knowing full well what they were getting themselves into, to be put in that body.

Mormons believe we were all spirits in a pre-existence.  The number of bodies are finite and were all conceived by a heavenly father (god) and a heavenly mother.  It also could be a father and several mothers because polygamy is still alive and well in the afterlife. They are conceived mechanically the same way you and I were conceived by our parents.  They gestate in the same way humans do now.

If a child dies in childbirth or in the womb it is considered to have lived its life.  It has one chance to get a mortal body.  That is it.

Here is where the theology becomes concerning:  Mormons believe that we all choose to come to earth and to get a body.  We knew, in some cases we would be born into challenging situations. Those might be:

• to a mother that was raped
• it might be in desperate poverty
• that might be with a physical or mental disability
• that might be with "same sex attraction"

It matters not the plight... we chose it!  This belief disconnects your average Mormon from empathy and divorces them from any responsibility to fix anything outside of their sphere.  It also allows them to dogmatically cling to "god's law" without considering the harm or potential harm the the theology may cause. 

What Mormon's fail to see is the disconnect in believing the above and the application of "free will" in this life.  The life you chose was pre-determined.  You knew you would be born to a woman who was raped.  Therefore she had not choice but to be raped.  The male who raped her had no choice.  If they hadn't been complicit in their destiny you wouldn't be able to realize your own. They fail to see how it leads to "this life must be endured" mentality instead of "this life should be lived."

It is easy for David to regurgitate these teachings.  It is much more difficult for him to think critically about what they really mean.  This is the pernicious nature of Mormonism.  It divorces the believer from critical thought... because that is the only way it can survive.  It does that at the expense of the human condition and ultimately harms our humanity.  

It is all about Consent

A couple of thoughts on Human Sexuality:

First, your sexuality is your own.  Nobody owns it.  You don’t subjugate it to someone else when you get married. You certainly do not subjugate it to a god.  As such, as parents or adults we do not own our children’s sexuality.  We merely defend their right to consent.  That defense should be against anyone who wishes to take their right to consent away from them.  I think molestation and the perversion of defining sex and sexuality as sinful or immoral is equally damaging to a child.  Teaching children to fight their natural urges because there is some eternal punishment waiting for them takes away their ability to consent. 

Children should be free to explore their own sexuality on their own terms. That means masturbation is an activity in which they can give enthusiastic consent to.  It is not something we should wrap in guilt and control (outside of teaching it is personal and private).  That does not mean it is a free-for-all. Part of exploring sex and sexuality is acknowledging that there are ground rules.  In my house that included a “Don’t Rape” conversation in which we discussed who is legally and ethically able to give consent. It also means discussing the consequences of sex including disease and pregnancy.  We certainly have on going discussions around what a healthy relationship looks like.

The individual defines sexual preference.  To deny someone their own sexual identity and preference, in the framework of consent, is to deny them the ability to consent. In that, teaching rigid gender norms also denies the child, in part, the ability to consent, as they become adults.  They are unable to engage in sexual expression that is free of guilt or shame. Consensual sexual behavior should not be wrapped in guilt.

When it comes to marriage/committed relationships monogamy is one relationship style.  It is not the only relationship style.  There are times when it certainly is not a healthy relationship style. While Lisa and I have chosen monogamy and it works for us, I don’t think any less of those who successfully practice polyamory. I also do not have an issue with non-religious polygamy, serial monogamy, asexuality, co-habitation, or fetish lifestyles like BDSM.  The question that has to be asked when evaluating any relationship is, "Does consent exist".  If it does, its none of my business.

Pornography is not addictive.  That does not mean that there are not compulsions that exist around sex and sexual behavior.  But the underlying mental illness is not in the media.  It is in the compulsion itself. Many studies have found that a stressor triggers compulsions.  When the stressor is removed, the compulsion diminishes or disappears.  There is some data that suggests our puritanical views of sex and sexuality creates that stressor.  We tell women they are not only the subjects of their husbands but also the gatekeeper of all that is moral and wholesome in the household.  It is their job to watch their husbands so they don't stray.  That includes watching the husbands Internet use to see if he is looking at pornography.  This leads to secrecy and in many case triggers a compulsion.  Its not the pornography that triggers it.  It is the secrecy.  This brings me back to my original assertion: “Nobody owns your sexuality… not even your spouse”.  There are many reasons to not like pornography.  You may find it exploitative.  In some cases it has been.  You may find it reflects unrealistic expectations on how sex works.  It does.  But at the end of the day if consent is given in the production of the pornography and your spouse views it privately, it is none of your business.  It remains none of your business until he/she asks you to partake. 

It'll Stunt Your Growth

This photo of a child smoking caught my attention today.   When it was taken, I am sure there was nothing wrong with putting a cigarette in a small child's mouth.  It was funny.  I mean after all what did we know about smoking back then?  Today we would consider this abuse. After all, what where her parents thinking.

I had a Facebook friend who recently suggested parents should have the freedom to raise their children in any manner they chose even if that meant exposing them to dangerous factory work at a young age.  I of course took exception with this attitude.  

I have a similar reaction when parents expose their children to religious indoctrination.  I have seen perfectly reasonable children turned into self loathing followers.  I additionally have seen them ignore important flaws in their religion.  Those flaws, when observed with a critical eye, proves the claims of the institution false.  If they don't absolutely prove it they certainly cast doubt on its validity. 

There is something about indoctrination that causes us to compartmentalize our beliefs and to shield them from critical examination.  The indoctrination as a child, carries over to adult hood and derails the critical thought process.  

I have had believers testify to me that they know of many who are religious and critical thinkers. I submit this can only occur through compartmentalizing your beliefs.  It is in this attempt I hear statements like, 'god can not be judged by physical laws' or 'we cannot understand god the way we under stand the physical world'.  As a result they come to know what they don't understand or cannot prove as evidence god.  It is fallacious but imperceptible to them.

When critical thinking is applied to those ingrained beliefs it is often emotionally painful.  For some it is too painful for them to complete the journey. Others explore other paths such as mysticism or alternative medicine or engage in government conspiracy theories because they don't really know how to fully apply critical thought.    

My mother used to tell me I should avoid cigarettes because they would stump my growth.  I see religion in the same way.  I am as apt to give my children a cigarette as I am to teach them to worship a myth.  In many ways I think the cigarette is less harmful.  

Sexual Development In a Fishbowl - The Mormon Problem with Sex

Over the last month, three articles regarding modesty or sex addiction have come to my attention.  One was the Children's Friend article on modesty. The second was brought to my attention by my friend Thad and was linked in PostMormon.org.  The article appeared on KSL.com and describes a mother's reasons for banning Barbie dolls from her home.  The third article was this gem written by a marriage and family therapist from St. George.

It is well known that I consume and digest many things in the Mormon Culture of Utah.  It is also well known that I am an open critic of the LDS Church's policies on sex and sexuality and the harm I perceive they do.  This post is no exception.

First I will address briefly the Children's friend article.  The mother has a four year old who is worried about modesty.... and the mother furthers the neurosis by giving her an undershirt to cover the bare shoulders under her sun dress.  The mother then celebrates her four year-old's modesty.  First of all there is no such thing as four year-old modesty.  This is a self concept that has been imposed on the child and is not natural and circumvents the natural development of the child.  As many posters have written already on this topic... shoulders and four year-olds are not sexy.  However, when we engage in a practice of covering every inch of flesh; the net result is, we sexualize those portions of the body which normally wouldn't be sexy.

The next article was written by a mother who had taken the bold step of banning Barbie from her home. Not because of the unrealistic body image that Barbie represents for her daughters but because of the thoughts a naked pink silhouette would give to her sons.

Then one day my oldest son (a big second-grader at the time) came up to me with a half-naked Barbie doll in his hands and said to me sternly, "Mom, I don't think this is an appropriate toy." He had just had a fatherly talk with my husband about what is "appropriate" and what is "a poison worse than the black plague of death itself and should be avoided at all costs, lest it rot your mind like an unstoppable rebel force."

So first of all why would you be giving your 7/8 year old boy a talk about pornography?  Why would you start him on the path of self flagellant guilt.  Making him aware of his sexuality and giving shame to his natural development is not the sign of healthy family... it is the sign of a family who engages in cultish behavior.

I know for families of girls, Barbies are a lifeline, an institution even. But that is not my family. My daughters are surrounded by brothers. Hot-blooded, American boys who should not be put into tough, compromising spots every time they're rooting around the playroom on a quest to find that one LEGO piece to complete their set.

Again, it is the neurosis developed inside of the family that puts boys in the compromising position.  Is it appropriate to make the female form responsible for the boys behavior?  I believe we are sending the message that our daughters are objects and men are unable to control themselves.

And then there was this comment left on the now closed comment board:

Mickelle W.
posted 1 day ago
i personally hate seeing a naked barbie or ken doll laying on the floor of my house. but don't feel like it is fair to allow my son to have his boy toys if i am not going to allow my little girl to have hers. so when the dolls are purchased they become mine long enough to color on a leotard, or boxers depending on the sex of the doll. now who cares if my 7 year old son and all his macho boy friends take off the doll clothes in a front to get sisters goat. barbie remains modest, and mom remains un-bugged that their is a naked toy lying on the floor.

This brand of craziness does not breed children with healthy sexual identities.   Is not the Barbie the appropriate metaphor for the Mormon view of women?  She looks good without any capacity of enjoying sex.  That is where this programming leads and culture is replete with examples.

The final article and the one that really spawned this post was the one written by Geoff Steurer.  He discusses the talk he had with his father-in-law, 15 years ago, when he asked for his wife's hand in marriage.  He said, now the internet is more prevalent, he believes father-in-laws should be asking their potential son-in-laws about potentially sexually addictive behavior.

I have no doubt that if I were to go through that same interview today, her father would more than likely include one more line of questioning. I imagine it would sound something like this:
“Pornography is such a common struggle for so many young men these days. Naturally, I worry that this is something you have struggled with as a teenager or young adult. Will you please describe your experience with pornography and how you’ve handled it?”

Geoff, is a therapist.  They don't mind telling you that in the article.  However what they don't tell you is that pornography addiction and sexual addiction are not recognized by the APA.  He also does not tell you that masturbation is a normal sexual behavior.  Use of pornography for that purpose is considered normal.  Sexual addiction and pornography use at all, in LDS communities, is immediately assigned to addiction status even if the use is occasional and does not interfere with daily functioning.

If there isn’t a father in the home, then I still think it’s a good idea for the mother to have this conversation with the boyfriend. As awkward as it may seem to bring up this topic, I believe it’s even more awkward to deal with the potential aftermath if this issue surfaces later in marriage. 

Please note that if you are personally struggling with an unresolved pornography problem, it will make it difficult, if not impossible, to counsel a future son-in-law about your concerns. You will feel like a phony and will either avoid the conversation all together, or minimize the seriousness of it as a way to protect yourself from the reality of your own struggles. If you have struggled with pornography and haven’t fully repented and recovered from the impact on your life, make sure that you’re actively working the same recovery process you would expect from this young man.

Does anyone see this as a boundary issue?

Discussion Points:

• Tell me about your experience with pornography over your lifetime.

• Is there a history of pornography use in your immediate or extended family?

• How do you define pornography?

• How have you healed from the impact of pornography on your life?

• Who helped you overcome your problems with pornography?

• How do you currently protect yourself from pornography?

• Have you ever wanted to stop viewing pornography, but couldn’t?

I know what I would have and would still tell my father-in-law if this came up... 'it is none of your business!'

Under his bullet point red flags the author says to worry if:

He insists that he’s never even seen pornography and appears “too perfect” in his responses. Recognize that even though he may not have seen hardcore pornography, we live in a culture saturated with pornographic images. If he acts like he doesn’t notice or isn’t affected by those, you need to be concerned. Every man should acknowledge the occasional pull from images that are designed to draw our attention and entice us.

The author is turning windmills into dragons.  He has to convince you that your normal sexual feelings and compulsions are abnormal.  So if you are looking at the Victoria Secret Catalogue  or the underwear section of the JcPenny Catalogue you are on the "slippery slope."  The problem with the author's stance here; is it is out of sync with contemporary thought on the issues of sexual development.  The migration to pornography may be more normal than the dogmatic abstinence of everything sexual.

It occurred to me, as I read the last article, growing up Mormon, especially in Utah, that you develop sexually in a fishbowl.  From the beginning, we have over protective and ill informed mothers inserting themselves into our sexuality.  If it is not the constant and unhealthy messages of modesty, it is interest in what we do in our private exploration.  We have Bishops, Stake Presidents and now future father-in-laws, asking us about our sexual habits as if they had a personal investment in it.  Mormons like to create distance between the practices of the FLDS and find the recent revelations that Jeffs engaged in sex in the temple with his brides in front of the witnesses disturbing.  Are they really that far removed from engaging in that type of voyeurism when they insert themselves into every aspect of, not only their children's, but every member's sexual practices?  Not just every member but also members of the unaffiliated community.

I have seen appropriately dressed females chastised for wearing clothing, that covers all of the appropriate regions, because they might be provocative or the are wearing fishnets and shorts.  I have had mother's assert that they would not allow their son's to engage in a stage kiss; because, they wanted their son's first kiss to be with the woman he was going to marry.  I have heard lectures of modesty given to unaffiliated girls who were also prepubescent and I have seen third parties put into a position of monitoring adult behavior to prevent any potential for adultery.

The Mormon obsession with sex is not healthy.  I have seen it cripple marriages and more importantly the healthy development of sexual attitudes and identities in children.  Instead of the fishbowl mentality it is time members tell everyone outside of their marriage "it is none of your business".  It is also time that we allow our children to develop sexually and to explore their bodies in a safe and nurturing environment that acknowledges that sex and sexual development are deeply personal and you are allowed to get aroused and deal with that arousal in a healthy, private, and pro-social way.  It is time we tell those loud and uniformed voices that what they are doing with their children is abusive and needs to stop.

Bullying is not just perpetrated by the kids on the playground

There has been much said about the recent rash of gay teen suicides that have been caused in part by peer bullying.  The attention has resulted in of hundreds of links offered in Facebook and countless comments posted on Facebook, blogs, and other networked social media sites.  In Utah this attention crescendoed with the ill-timed and foolishly worded address given by Boyd K. Packer in the LDS general conference.

I think it is a shame that the attention is solely focused on bullying; because, the image that we as Americans have is limited to the school yard bully.  Bullying is only effective if the attacks on the child/teen have the effect of making them feel isolated, worthless, and without an ally.  The problem here is much deeper than just a school yard bully and it extends beyond homosexuality.

Andrew Hackman wrote in his blog: "Your attitudes will be reflected and amplified in your children."

What does the child do when his peers attitudes are reflected in the attitudes of his own parents, religion, religious leaders, and community.  This has been my point in the Facebook debates.  In Utah the LDS culture dominates on matters of public policy.  I have seen the most hateful and insensitive remarks come from purported temple recommend holding members regarding the "sinner" they see in a homosexual who lives his or her life in a full and meaning way including intimate same gender relationships.  They quote scripture, their "prophets", and make arguments that are writhe with logical fallacies all in an attempt to be in lock step with their doctrine.

Again I point to a brilliantly written piece by Andrew Hackman:

  Objecting to homosexuality, I believe, cannot be a universal moral. It is a religious conviction. I think for something to be considered a universal moral, and not merely a religious position, it has to be amenable to all faiths... and those without a faith. The bible says murder is wrong (although it acts it out more as a guideline than a rule) but I could also make a non-religious arguement as to why it is good for humanity to follow that position. On the contrary, I have yet to hear a valid argument against homosexuality that did not come back to a religious point and/or that individual's personal "ick" factor with homosexuality. 

I concur with Andrews stance on this matter but take it a step further in that I have to question why you would hold the texts of any religion and the texts specifically of Christianity and Mormonism (they are the texts that I have some experience with)  as a supreme word given their flaws.  Many religious scholars will tell you that the texts are not historical and the events and people are not actual but allegorical.  So based upon a myth we will throw away or relationships with actual people for salvation that is not likely real now matter how nice it sounds.  

I have seen first hand the mistreatment of a child who diverges from their parents religious world view.  Whether it is a homosexual teen who comes out of the closet or a heterosexual teen or young adult who engages in the very natural act of premarital sex.  The child who chooses not to go on a mission or the child who has the audacity to leave the family's church.  The messages delivered to that young and inexperienced human is : If you continue on this course your are going to hell.  You are no longer worthy of your heavenly father's protection or mine.

The bullying is not just from their peers but from their religious leaders and sadly form their family members.  I have seen this first hand because it has happened to me and to my spouse.  It is a guilt that takes years to repair and for some the on relief from it comes in the form of drug abuse or from the last desperate act of suicide.

I cannot figure out why we choose to chase a myth developed from contrived man made religious dogma while we throw away the amazing relationships with our children/youth and adult citizens who exercise their freedom and engage in age appropriate consensual  relationships that are natural and normal.

I think the question here is does your loved one have a place to go for comfort and are you providing it or are you pushing them to their last desperate solution through your piety and inflexible adherence to doctrine?

Christmas...means less now that my baby doesn't belive in Santa!

This time of year is very aggravating to me. We have a bunch of expectations to meet and even in times of plenty I struggle to succumb to the commercialism of the holiday.

When I was a kid who still had a belief in Santa...and in a god...this season was all magic. From the decorations to the cookies and fudge to the gifts and the anticipation. I loved the stories of a Night Before Christmas, The Little Drummer Boy, and A Christmas Carol.

As I grew older Christmas became tainted by the domestic issues my parents had and the expectations that my father had failed to meet or the unrealistic expectations that my mother had of him. But, for most of the years I lived at home there was someone who believed in Santa Claus.

I easily shed my belief in god at about age 16. The belief in Santa had be be pried from me at age 12. I suffered greatly at this time of year. I worried about the emotional health of my family and if Santa knew what I wanted for Christmas. The night before Christmas I would lay awake the entire night listening for Sleigh Bells and wondering how Santa would get down that chimney; which would lead him to the basement where I slept, and get upstairs without me hearing him. I became a Santa apologist. I was a hopeless romantic!

When I started having children of my own I still loved the whole idea of Santa...but hated the financial pressures the season brings. We did little to raise our children as Christians in fact we avoided most references to Christ in the season. When my oldest, Skyler was about four he was watching a "First Christmas" program on TV. He turned from the TV and asked emphatically..."who is this Jesus dude anyway?" When my youngest boy, Michael, was about 10 he was helping my wife set up a small nativity in the great room. He handed her a figurine of the baby Jesus and said, "Don't forget Noah". He only knew about Noah from the Veggie Tales cartoon that my Mother-in-law lent him despite my objection.

My youngest, Kiera, shed her belief in Santa last year telling us she had caught us a couple of years ago. She kept up appearances because of the "If you don't believe...you don't receive" mantra my wife would repeat all season.

For a Curmudgeon, I love to entertain, decorate my home, and to cook great meals for my family and guests. I am a designer at heart and each tree I put up is an experiment in a new theme, color pallet, each center piece is an opportunity to show Martha Stewart up!

I started this blog as a result of struggling with this question...'Why does an atheist celebrate Christmas at all?' A year later I an no closer to answering this question. I spent most of today shopping for gifts and supporting this artificial economy we have built around this holiday. I believe more this year than I did last that Christ was a legend and not a real person. I struggle to justify the celebration in his name or the financial stress this holiday puts on me and most of middle America. I celebrate it because my wife still loves it.....And I design a mean Christmas Tree!

Children are the Challenge-Kiera

Kiera is my youngest child. She is spunky, spirited, manipulative, smart, and cute. Of my five children she has the strongest need to fit in and to be liked. This makes her very susceptible to peer pressure. I have seen this child make decisions that are contrary to her own personal welfare or interests to keep friends and she is only 10. Unfortunately she believes what her friends tell her and does not frequently challenge them. I personally think that Kiera’s has more of a fear of rejection than a need for acceptance.

Kiera has lived in three different homes two in the same neighborhood. It was our last move that has proved to be the most difficult. Kiera has found herself on the outside looking in. In our other neighborhoods we had plenty of non-religious families in the neighborhood and Kiera had a choice of peers. The one we are in now she has been excluded from Sunday play while the religious families and their kids associate and play together.

Recently, Kiera has been invited to attend “Activity Days” with the girls who attend the local LDS Ward. I have, until this last week, approached this cautiously. Wanting to provide her with the opportunity for association but wanted to limit opportunities for indoctrination. This unfortunately proved disastrous this week. Two weeks ago they all went up to the Temple to have their picture taken. This week they made frames for those photos. Now on its face it seems okay. I don’t have an issue with the Temple. It is a local landmark and my daughter is cute!

The one thing that rocked me back on my heels was a booklet that I found on the end table: “Faith in God for Girls.” The booklet was distributed at the activity last week. The booklet outlines what the child must do to achieve their potential as a child of god. It assumes that first the child had been baptized and second the parents are on board. In my neighborhood it is not secret that I am not on board. I explained to Kiera that I do not agree with the contents of the booklet. She became very upset with me and demanded I give her the booklet back. She went on to tell me that she wanted to go to the activities because she had fun. She also stated they had started a binder for her to track her “personal progress”.
The content in the booklet may be fine for the parents of her friends but it is not acceptable in our home. There is little probability that she would be able to meet the achievement or the award at the end of the program because she is not a baptized member and her dad does not see it as harmless.

I do not spend anytime indoctrinating my children to be atheists. We just do not give them a religious identity. One of my favorite quotes from Richard Dawkins is

“There is no such thing as a catholic child…Only a child with catholic parents.”

In his example he applies this concept to other religions and political philosophies. Religion has to be taught and as a result, for most of us, the religion we end up with is the religion of our parents. It is that phenomenon that allows religions to regionalize. There is a certain smugness that results from believing we have the answer and as a result we do not have to stop and consider the other person or family that may be affected. In Kiera’s case the activity days are agenda driven and she will not be attending in the future. This will be viewed as a harsh decision but they would feel the same way if I invited their children in and told them why I don’t believe there is a god.

This video illustrates the above paragraph. The discussion starts at about 5 minutes in.

Children are the Challenge-The Argument

My last post addressed how I have chose not to give religion to my children and how that affected my daughter Jessica. I have thought the post may leave the reader with the impression that I am a typical religion hating atheist. While that may be true to some degree it is a judgment made without context.

I grew up in American Fork, Utah. My mother moved to the community when I was about 5 years old. She had recently divorced my father. When I was 7 we moved into our family home after my parents reconciled and remarried. I remember the first contact my parents had with the local LDS bishop. We had been moving in all day. The LDS bishop came to the door to welcome my parents to the ward. My father greeted him at the door with a cup of coffee in one hand and a cigarette in the other. The bishop’s response was “Well I guess we won’t be seeing you in church!”

My parents made the attempt to become active in the LDS church. This was a religion handed down to them from their parents and grandparents. They didn’t have any real understanding of the church or its teaching and I dare say none of them have read the Book of Mormon. I was the beneficiary of the passing of generational superstition. My folks believed that sending me to church would give me a good moral foundation.

I took to my calling as a little boy. I faithfully attended church services every Sunday and the meetings for Boy Scouts and Mutual. I was so dedicated that I often got my siblings up on Sunday morning, (while my parents slept) had them get dressed and took them church with me. Mind you I was about 8 or 9 taking my 6 year old and 7 year old sisters. I probably new very little about making sure their hair was combed and their clothes matched.

At 8 years old I was eligible to be baptized and become a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. At eight, I knew I had doubts that I could live up the expectations. The doctrine indicated that I would be baptized and my sins would be washed away and I would have a new start. I am not sure what sins I had committed up to that point or that I needed to be free of them. I found it odd that I was going to have them washed away at my one and only chance at salvation at age eight. I thought it might be better to wait until I had committed a really big sin first so that I could get more bang for my buck out of this washed away sin salvation thing.

Despite sending me away to church to get my moral foundation my parents were still active in my upbringing. Alas that is what ultimately spared me a lot of pain as I moved into early adolescence. My bishop called me in for an interview to determine my moral ability to receive the Aaronic Priesthood. He asked me about my testimony and my church attendance and then the interview digressed into my sexual habits. He wanted to know if I was sexually active with the same sex, the opposite sex and if I masturbated. I was 12. I denied all of the above because I had no idea what any of it really meant. I was a late bloomer and still prepubescent. I later told my mother about the interview and she was outraged. It was discovered that he had also asked the same questions of my 10 year old sister. My Father and Mother both met with the Bishop and told him the line of questions was inappropriate and they forbade him to ask them of any of their children. That man was arrested and convicted of Sexual Abuse of a Child several years later. When I was 20 I found out that he had told several of the boys in the ward to stay away from me because I was a homosexual. The boy who told me about it was this man’s victim. He wanted to isolate me from the group and the only reason I was not his victim was because my parents were active in my upbringing.

My father has advised me often that I should send my children to church. His rationale is, “What can it hurt at least they get a good moral foundation.” I have said before that there is a ton of emotional baggage that comes from religion. Guilt, irresolvable double binds, hate, intolerance, and self loathing are but a few. We worry more about what our children see on TV and who their friends are than who we let play with their minds in a religious context. We have no proof that there is salvation on the other side but we are willing to damage our children in the hope there is. I have seen religious people allow horrible things happen to their children at the hands of a religious leader because they believe he is called of god. These things range from emotional abuse to physical and sexual abuse.

Religion was not the basis of my moral conscience it was my parents’ involvement in my life, my own personality traits, and an innate sense of guilt and responsibility that provided me with character to be a moral person. There has been as much evil done in the name of god and religion as good and I do not think that with the mixed results that religion has delivered it is the appropriate mentor for my children.

Children are the Challenge-Jessica

As a parent we make decisions we hope are right for our children and we don’t find out if it was the right choice until many years later. For me it was the decision my wife and I made to raise our children without religion. 23 years ago I was an agnostic with atheist leanings and Lisa was a quiet Christian with Mormon leanings. Today as you well know I am a full blown atheist. Lisa is, I believe, a quiet Christian who has little to do with the LDS faith but allows her husband to go on and on about his beliefs.

I have been known to say out loud that exposing your children to organized religion is tantamount to child abuse. I recently finished Christopher Hitchens’ book God is not Great- How Religion Poisons Everything. He makes a case for religion as a form of child abuse but mostly focuses on the ritualistic abuses including circumcision and other forms of genital mutilation. From my experience it is the emotional fodder that I was most concerned about with regard to my children.
This is the first in a series of five entries I will make on this topic( I only have five children so five is enough and six is too many). I am starting with Jessica. She is not my first born and so you can see I am addressing her out of turn but she is the one I feel represents the best argument for avoiding indoctrination but also represents as a parent how I have failed to fully mitigate the results of the outcome.

Jessica is now 19. She is a beautiful child with a strong spirit. She is smart, very empathetic, and wracked with guilt. According to her mother, she is closer to her Dad in personality than to her mother. When I became the father of a daughter I thought the most important thing I could do for her is to help instill in her the belief that she could do anything and be anything she chooses. I wanted her to know that she could be successful without a man in her life and to find her version of success independent of her relationships with men.

When Jessica was about six she stopped dinner to tell us we needed to have a blessing on the food. This had been modeled at her grandparent’s home but not in our home. She was told that she could pray quietly to herself but the rest of us were hungry and we would continue on with the activity of eating, Several months later we were at my in-laws’ home having dinner. They asked one of the family members if they would give a blessing on the food. Jessica piped up and said, “Ooohhhh my dad doesn’t like it when you pray at the table. Well actually, it’s okay to pray….Just don’t say anything about god or Jesus Christ!” This of course brought an awkward moment of silence to the table with disapproving eyes fixed upon yours truly.

During same period in her life her uncle made a point coming up to our home in Taylorsville, Utah and picking her up to take her to the LDS ward in Lehi, Utah. Her grandmother bought her a children’s version of the Book of Mormon. For me this was intrusion and I objected loudly to both. The visits to church ended. However I was not permitted to throw the BOM out. I believe the book is in a box in my basement this very day.

I mentioned before that Jessica is wracked with guilt. I have empathy for this trait because I personally feel guilty for things I haven’t done yet. When she was in first grade she came home from school and I asked her how her day went. She looked at me and burst out in tears. “I think I cheated.” I asked her why she believed this and she said,” I was taking a test and I looked up and I accidently saw the answers on my friend’s paper.”

Irreconcilable guilt is my number one reason for avoiding indoctrination of my children at a young age. For a child like Jessica this guilt can be debilitating. Jessica is very obsessed about doing the right thing. Not because she has a Christian background and is concerned about heaven and hell but because she really tries to be good because it is the right thing to do. She has a strong moral compass and has not had a significant exposure to Christianity. Now this strong moral compass has not inspired her to do the dishes when she asked or to clean her room but she will not mistreat anyone intentionally and would not sleep for days if she had believed she had. Jessica has relationships with homosexuals, Mormons, and kids on the fringe. She is able to appropriately determine what is appropriate and what she wants no part of.

Some of the most heated discussions with her brothers include sexist comments, homo-insensitive remarks made without regard to sensitivity. So ask you can see the experiment worked….success! Not so fast. There have been other consequences to raising my oldest daughter without religion.

Jessica has attended some functions with the young women’s group attached to her friend’s LDS ward. On one event she was wearing a shirt that both her mother and I approved of and felt that it was flattering on her. She was pulled aside and told the shirt showed too much and was asked to pull it up. Jessica was very self conscious afterword and has never worn the shirt again.

Jessica is at the age where she is looking for relationships and dating is definitely on the agenda. However, in Utah where Mormonism dominates the culture, she finds that she is not “good enough” for many of the boys in our community. There is significant pressure to assimilate into the LDS culture. Most of the boys who find her cute cannot reconcile their desire to date her with the fact she will not be able to go to the temple with them and she is not willing to convert. Unfortunately, Jessica takes this personally.

I am not without fault in this dilemma either. As she would let it be known that she liked a boy whom we knew to be LDS I would ask her, “…to what end?” I would then cite one of my favorite lines from The Fiddler on the Roof: “A bird may love a fish but where would they make a home together.”

I live in an area dominated by the LDS church and it is not normal to allow your child to date a non-Mormon without significant parental intervention. If the subject of your affection is not willing to convert, significant pressure is placed on the child to terminate the relationship. Now I know this tribal response is common in other religions….my point of reference is the LDS church.

Jessica doesn’t know, at 19, what she believes. She is reluctant to challenge any of her friends’ religious beliefs or to ask direct questions about the doctrine because she wouldn’t want to offend anybody. She really struggles to find where she fits in and sometimes believes that she will never be taken seriously by the boys because she is not willing to convert. As her father I believe she is an amazing young lady with a ton of actual and potential assets. It is my desire that she not convert to any religion because I think it would be disastrous for her in the long run. I want her to fit in but there is reality that as a family we are slightly different.

Out of the closet

In my first post I indicated that I posted my religious beliefs as agnostic on my Facebook page. I changed that about two months ago and last week I put my first link to my blog on my Facebook page. Most folks who know me know that I am not a religious man. Many also know that I have strong opinions and that I am not afraid to speak my mind. Most are still a little uncomfortable with the idea that I am an atheist.

This is not new information for this blog but I did find my oldest daughter Jessica's response kind of interesting. She said something like 'why do you have cause trouble.' Jessica has some difficulty with the fact that we do not fit into the traditional LDS (Mormon) mold in our little LDS neighborhood. During the recent production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat the cast (most) met to have a pre-show prayer. Jessica, was asked to join and she opted out. For her there was and admitted awkwardness. She feels like we don't fit in and that further exasperated by the conversations about the LDS faith, garments and when it is appropriate to not wear them, issues of morality that she does not agree with, and the idea that she wants to fit in but doesn't.

So this simple display of my atheism was troubling to my daughter because she is struggling with much doubt and still exploring what the world holds for her. She also finds that she runs up against folks who profess to "know" and she does not find any solace in their "knowing" because it does not ring true for her. Having a father who is an open atheist is like having parents who are hippies in a yuppie neighborhood. I think she finds the prospect of people knowing a little uncomfortable because she is already on the outside looking in.

My proclamation of atheism is not about knowledge but about doubt. What I do know is that religion has not given me any comfort. There are too many unanswered questions and too many folks who with arrogance fail to answer the questions but tell me I need to have faith.